The First Man To Break My Heart
Everyone talks about their first heartache being a first love. For myself- it wasn't quite like that.
The first man was not my lover but was a man who was the one to create me. My mother only knew my father for 6 months when she conceived me. It was destined for their relationship to not last.
It was like any cliqué 90's heartbreak film. She was a curious young 18 year old with no real love experience meeting this new type of badass man that gave her a new perspective in the world. He was in a gang that was deep in crime. She fell in love with him and had me.
When I was born it sparked up many arguments between them. Complaints of not spending time with me. His resolve was to have me around him more and that included those dangerous situations.
The earliest memory I have of my father was when I was in the car with him and his gang mates. I remember the scent of cigarettes and musk of alcohol on my father's clothes. He strapped me in the front seat next to him in the car. Staring out the window against the dark street on the other side. I had no idea where we were until I saw the sidewalk coming closer which was until we crashed. I woke up in the hospital with a broken arm and a few cuts and bruises.
My mother was distraught and crying next to me. She told me that she wasn't going to forgive him and that we're leaving him as soon as I leave the hospital. I refused and cried back that I loved my dad.
Days passed and we moved back with my grandparents. My dad begged for us back and I enjoyed seeing him through the window. I loved the effort he made for trying to gain my mom's trust back. I tried convincing my mom to listen but she ignored the situation completely.
Everyday he would come and talk to me through the door. Telling me how much he misses me and how much he loves my mom and I.
I couldn't muster up the courage to open up that door and see him. Just our heartfelt moments through the window.
Days turned into months. Still no chance of seeing him again. My mom began seeing seeing someone again. My father saw this and then gave up.
He stopped coming. My sadness turned into anger.
Why isn't he here to try?
Does he not care about me anymore?
My mind was stuck.
My mom then introduced me to the man who will soon become my stepfather. And later became my nightmare.